Think horoscopes are a nonsensical way for weirdos to validate their arbitrary behaviours? We hear you! We understand your reservations! Still interested in said nonsense for the novelty of it all? Great! Let’s begin. We’re doing a fun thing where we match you with your ideal beverage based on your star sign. Oh come on—it’ll be thrilling.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re outgoing and headstrong, and something of a (self-titled) pioneer. You have a lot of opinions, which you share liberally and with vigour! A true leader.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
So you like nice things, but you can be a little lazy? That’s a fine predicament to be in, Taurus, given that the latter feeds the first.
Your overriding trait, though, is being stubborn — meaning you usually end up with what you want. And what you want is usually a fine champagne like Moet & Chandon, but failing that, you’ll settle for the Sparkling Moscato by Tempus Two.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re sick of hearing about the split personality thing and we’re sorry about that. Thing is, no-one’s as to-and-fro as you. You’re nothing if not exciting, right?
Welcome to the stage Bacardi, a white rum that switches from angelic to evil just as quickly as you can. Enjoy in the moment, but don’t be surprised when the aftermath is fierce (hot tip: hydrate! Like you didn’t know).
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
When you’re not crying, you’re thinking about crying, and when you’re not doing that, you’re conjuring sentimental memories of love lost. Kidding. We are totally kidding. You’re perfectly able to keep it together, mostly. But because you’re sensitive and imaginative, you can be a bit of a slow burn — just like a layered, nuanced red wine. Your best bet? The Pinot Noir by Mother in Law; a drop that begins berryish and grows slightly savoury. Pinot Noirs by Folio or Walton Valley also fit this profile.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
The flipside? You can be arrogant in the face of objection, or when you’re ignored — why can’t people just understand you? Thusly, your drink is a classic whisky like Glenlivet’s Single Malt, for it mirrors your authenticity. Deep, man.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
‘Fiercely independent’ is a term generally reserved for Beyonce-loving single ladies and bitchy cats. You belong here in this category too, Virgo. You’re the one to remember to BYO a bottle of wine to dinner, and because you’re also practical and organised, it’s normally something reliably gluggable like any of these drops hailing from Marlborough in New Zealand.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
We read on the internet, Libra, that because ‘Venus is your ruling planet’ (?), you can be rather romantic and sensitive. So cute of you! You also happen to be quite a charming addition to any social situation, genuinely interested in chatting to your very best friends as well as that random person no-one else seems to be going near.
The flipside? You tend to hold grudges… just like the gin and tonic you enjoy so much, which tends to enact enduring harm the next day should you go overboard. Fancy some Tanqueray?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Complex and intense is a Scorpio. In a good way? Sometimes. Other times, you might exhibit a certain…. oh, darkness? Vivacious, assertive and passionate, a Scorpio is typically a deeply loyal friend, but can be aggressive in the face of dishonesty. The moral of the story? Don’t lie.
For their bold and decisive predilections, a Scorpio enjoys a Tequila like Jose Cuervo. Always a good idea in the moment, but don’t be surprised if you wake up sans wallet with a forehead tattoo.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Open mindedness is an excellent quality, Sagittarius. Additionally, you’re curious and energetic, which are never bad things. Things that are sometimes bad: you’re hard to pin down, due to your unquenchable thirst for new experiences. As such, a complex Shiraz is your bag; one that combines seasoned French and American oak that brings together a cauldron of lovely flavours.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You’re responsible and disciplined and therefore the perfect candidate for silly hypothetical alcohol games like this one. You can also be a bit of a know-it-all, so there’s that.
At the end of the day, you’re one of the good ones, rarely overindulging; always looking out for those who do. Your preferred elixir is a refreshing lager like Corona (and your preferred tactic is slow, deliberate sips).
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Paleo diets? Yoga? Kombucha? Yes, yes and yes. If there’s a vaguely trendy thing to be tried, you’re all over it. Your previous favourite thing was Rosé. But if we’re honest you started liking it waaaaay before anyone else did.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Ruffling feathers is not something you’re interested in, Pisces. Instead, you’re a sometimes-introvert who is usually happy ‘going with the flow’. As such, you have the potential to get a little insular and melancholic.
Your beverage choice needs to be reliable and uplifting then—something neutral and drinkable like Absolut vodka should do the trick. Just add soda, lime and you’re good.